I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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