I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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