I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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