you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
