So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
