Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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