Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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