I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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