i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
