Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
