I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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