You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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