you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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