I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
