so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
