Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
