I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
