I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
