Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
