i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
