Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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