i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
