Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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