I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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