i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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