I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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