Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
