the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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