He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
