I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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