I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
