she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Someone came in the potted fern
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
