You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
