I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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