Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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