Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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