No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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