"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
