Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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