It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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