the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
