If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
