And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
