Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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