In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
