She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
