just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
we're so committed to being not committed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
