Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
