i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
