I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
