I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
