I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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