Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
