Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
